dear dove ...

Dear Unilever (aka Dove brand),

I just wanted to write and tell you that although you seem to think so, I am, in fact, not an idiot.  I know, I know.  It is hard to believe that the American consumer is not completely gullable, but I know a thing or two.  Maybe not three, but at least two.  I know, for instance that my daughter has excema.  Her skin is itchy and dry all the time.  Sometimes it hurts.  I know this.  I know that it is my life's mission to ease her discomfort and put a smile on this adorable face:

I know that I am contsantly on the lookout, and will pay more than it's worth for a product that will meet that end.  You and I both know that a mother bear is a sucker for products that will ease the pain and suffering of her cubs.  I am no exception.

I know that I was disappointed when my pediatritian recommended the Dove White bar soap when we first diagnosed the excema because I. Hate. Bar Soap.  I do.  It makes your shower gross.  Not to mention the fact that Dove White is scented.  So we have bounced from product to pruduct and to say I was excited when I stumbled across this new product of yours the other day is an understatement:

Here is my thoughts on discovery, "Wow!  Dove bodywash with that nutrium moisture stuff I've heard is wonderful for dry skin, and it's unscented?  AH-mazing!"  (Please notice in the above photo where it says "unscented".  This is very important.)

Now imagine my surprise when I got home and popped the top to see just how bad it would smell (all unscented products smell NASTY!) and not only does it not smell rank, but it smells lovely.  I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but when I turned over the bottle and read through the ingredients, I was shocked to see that the second-to-last ingredient is "fragrance".  (See photo below)

I'm very sorry to have to be the one to point this out to you, but how can a product be unscented and yet, have frangrance?  So today I spoke to a customer service rep who was clearly from Staten Island.  Seriously.  No question there.  Here is how our conversation went:

Me: Blah blah blah...explained my question.

Staten Island lady (after looking up my product for the pre-planned responses: Unscented and frangrance free are not the same thing.

Me: I'm sorry? (chuckling a bit)

SI Lady: We find that our customers with sensitive skin do not like the smell of fragrance free products. Something that is unscented has small amounts of fragrance in it to give it a pleasant smell.

Me: So, that would mean that it is scented, correct?

SI Lady: No, that would mean that it is fragranced.

Me: I'm sorry, (really chuckling now) but I think in 5th grade I learned that scent and fragrance are synonymns.  They mean the same thing.  I think I'll get a thesaurus.

SI Lady: Not really, Mam.  What you are looking for is a product that is fragrance free.  Then it would be unscented.

Me: But you just told me that unscented products have fragrance in them.

So here you see that your customer service rep and I are in a catch 22.  Unfortunately I need a product that is fragrance free because it would then be unscented.  But alas, if it is unscented then we have fragrance.  Do you see my dilemma more clearly now?

Thank you for your time.

p.s. Here is what thesaurus.com has to say about the word scent:

Main Entry: scent


Part of Speech: noun

Definition: smell, aroma

Synonyms: aura, balm, bouquet, essence, fragrance, incense, odor, perfume, pheromone, redolence, spice, tang, track, trail, whiff

Antonyms: odor, stench, stink

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UPDATE: Harland did a little research and we now know this:
"'Unscented' or "fragrance free" on the label is no guarantee that the product does not contain fragrance chemicals. Since "unscented" and "fragrance free" have no legal definition, these words can be used any way the company chooses."

Don't get me started on how companies have free use of the term "hypo-allergenic" too.  Because that also means absolutely nothing.  Something truly hypo-allergenic would also not have frangrance in it.  Notice how this product also claims to be hypo-allergenic.